What’s Hip Hapnin?

So April has been one of the worst/craziest/hardest/longest/stressful months of my life there are about 100 stories to tell but let me just put up the latest development.

I would like to tell you that I have some great story to tell about slamming down a few red bulls and then reinventing EXTREME! The truth is far more boring.  I just woke up with it…I know weird huh. About a week ago I got up in the morning and I couldn’t walk it felt like I had sprained my ankle.  So I waited a couple days because I am a tough guy (cheapskate that doesn’t want to pay for the doctor) and it got worse instead of better.  So then I went to see Dr. H. Gary Morley Doctor of Podiactric (sp?) Medicine  .  He had fixed my other foot after an 18 mile run dislocated a bone in it.  We don’t know what is wrong with it.  It isn’t sprained, it isn’t broken but my goodness it hurts.  I have two theories, foot cancer, or the gout.  I am not sure what gout is but it is just as likely as anything.  Gary thinks I’m nuts he says if he can keep me from moving it then it will get better.  We will see who is right in the end.

If you have never had a hard cast here are a few things you may never have imagined.

1. It’s really warm when they put it on.  As it dries it heats up and it is very soothing.
2. You feel like a pirate because it clunks when you walk on it
3. after a few days they really start to stink
4. you can’t get them wet so you end up doing this weird pelican stance while you are in the shower. Very dangerous - please review the Karate Kid before trying this at home.
5. Last night I woke up 3 times and I was totally inebriated with sleep as I tried to unlace this weird boot.
6. for some reason you are required to decorate them with crappy cast Graffiti - casts are really hard to write on so everything looks like crap. somebody should invent a shrink wrap cast cover that is perfect for decorating and you can add to your scrapbook later.

Well whatever the problem is it needs to be fixed quickly because I just registered for the St. George Marathon in October and I am getting fatter by the second.

Fact - I invented fat guys running marathons on October 6th 2007
Fact - My nickname has been “fatboy” since the 7th grade - ask anybody they will tell you
Fact - My wife is way more attractive than me
Fact - I better get something from these guys - I will settle out of court for some free swag

So I knew it was a bad marathon. But I had no idea how bad until my wife decided she would be wonderful and look it up.

My race info

I have a number of excuses for this including having a broken bone in my foot (I think - I get my cast off tomorrow and we will have a better idea) Besides, that site doesn’t show that I was absolutely the freakin toughest guy who finished. I am pretty sure I was number one in that.

The truth is I will never be the best marathon runner in the world. I am short, fat, there is a good word for that “Fubsy”. My body is better suited for picking up heavy things and using a mouse (the typing and clicking muscles in my forearms are very powerful). I am still stoked I did it even if I was almost dead last. Loads of people didn’t finish and even more didn’t even enter.

Powered by ScribeFire.

I thought this video was pretty funny. I feel it for sure. Being afraid of the stairs is pretty funny.

Powered by ScribeFire.

This is my schedule for the race.

6:45 - Take 3 extra Strength Tylenol and 4 Ibuprofen
7:00 - Start Running (eye of the tiger should be Qued on Ipod)
7:00-8:00 – feel really good about the race and think I can do this!!!
8:00-8:20 – think where in the hell is that mile 7 aid station????
8:21 – Arrive at Aid Station and wait in line to take my morning crap
8:24 – Begin Morning Crap
8:28 – finish Morning Crap and pray for a very clean wipe
8:29 – Take a cliff shot and put more Vaseline in my crack and in that spot where my legs still rub together
8:30 – begin walking up huge hill from mile 7 – 8
9:00 – take morning crap #2
9:05 – pray for another clean wipe
9:06 – more Vaseline
9:07 – Take 3 extra Strength Tylenol and 4 Ibuprofen
9:08 – begin to question if I should really be doing this
10:00 – Arrive at mile 15
10:01 – contemplate faking an injury
10:02 – suggest to JR that we stretch just a little longer
10:10 – Back on the road
10:11 – stop to Take 3 extra Strength Tylenol and 4 Ibuprofen
10:45 – arrive at mile 18
10:46 – more vaseline
10:48 – cry
11:10 - Mile 20 Take 3 extra Strength Tylenol and 4 Ibuprofen
11:11 – cry some more
11:25 – hallucinations begin because of strange reaction between cliff shot and vaseline
12:13 – try to keep pace with an old lady who somehow pees while running
12:14 – old lady leaves me behind and I am just running in her pee stream…I am ok with this because it kindof cools me down.
12:30 – stumble across the finish line with swollen knees and bleeding nipples and horribly chafed butt crack (we are the champions should be playing on ipod)
12:31 – 1:00 – Jon and I just hold each other for a while and share an ice cream
1:01 – Jon leaves, I cry some more

Powered by ScribeFire.